My daughter let it slip that she expects me to buy her a house. What?

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I love my husband but he comes from a very wealthy family, whereas I raised my kids on a modest salary as a single mom. I had to sign a prenup when we got married and even if he dies before me, I will not be inheriting millions. He has been very generous with my two adult children, taking them on expensive vacations and such.

This I why my daughter’s behavior is such a shock. She, her husband, and their two girls live in a very expensive area and rent. They refuse to consider relocating based on their political opinions. My daughter called me to complain yet again about her living situation and then proceeded to berate me for not convincing my husband to go ahead already and buy her a house. She was “sick” of how we were flaunting our lifestyle in her face and said I needed to do more as her mother. We haven’t really spoken since and the thought of having this conversation makes me physically ill. I worked two jobs to give my children the best start in life. They graduated with no college debt and I was able to help pay for both of their weddings (this was before I met my husband). I haven’t spoken to my husband about my daughter’s demands because I know it will sour their relationship. What do I do here?

—Unhappy House

Dear Unhappy House,

It seems like an age-old concern for parents: How do you give your kids more than you had but also raise them to learn the value of hard work and financial independence? We don’t want to give our kids too little, but it’s also possible to give them too much. It’s not an easy balance to strike, and it sounds like you’re in the thick of figuring it out.

Your first order of business is to talk to your husband about the situation to make sure you’re on the same page. As it stands, part of the problem might be that you’re of two different minds when it comes to financially supporting your adult children. Namely, he might be OK with handing out cash while you feel the need to hold back. Make sure you’re a united front. That way, your daughter knows this is coming from both of you.

Then, have a conversation with her. You can explicitly tell your daughter that you will not be purchasing a house or providing any kind of financial assistance beyond whatever you deem to be comfortable—you’ll need to work these details out with your husband beforehand. Figure out what your actual limits are, even if it’s zero. Whatever you decide, let her know this is your decision and it’s important for you to stick to it. But you also want to hear her side of things. If she feels like you’re flaunting your wealth, maybe ask her what it is exactly that’s triggering that. Are you talking to her about fun vacations when she’s bogged down at work? Are you filling her in on properties you’re buying? Hear what bothers her and be willing to limit what you share. Explain why this decision is important to you: You learned a lot about money figuring things out on your own, and you don’t want to deprive her of that. It could help her to hear that you’ll be there in an emergency, but you want to give her a chance to learn some of the same lessons you did in life. If she scoffs at that, you might want to reinforce your boundaries: You’ve worked hard, and now you want to enjoy your life.

Try to approach this conversation without any shame about her choices. I sense some judgment about her choice to live in a high-cost-of-living area. There are plenty of good reasons to live in a place that aligns with your political values, and there may be reasons beyond that—she might want to raise her children in a culturally diverse area, for example. That doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for not buying her a home in that area, but the point is, it might be easier to stomach if she doesn’t feel judged for her life choices.

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