DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a high school student facing a situation that I’m not sure how to handle.
My mother and I have a custodial bank account, and while she has access to my account, I am not allowed to see hers.
The problem is that sometimes she sends money from my account to my siblings without informing me beforehand. She usually pays me back. It’s becoming frustrating, and I’m starting to feel like I’m not in control of my own finances.
Do I have a right to be upset about this when she is the one who gives me the money in the first place?
Need My Own Account
DEAR NEED MY OWN ACCOUNT: Do your research. Many banks do not allow minors to open accounts without adult supervision. That changes at age 18. In a few cases, you can open an individual account as young as 13.
The reason for the age threshold is that parents are supposed to have supervisory privileges to help their children learn how to manage money. What you are experiencing is the opposite. Your mother is moving your money around without your permission or knowledge. That’s tough.
Talk to your mother. Tell her that you are trying to be a smart money manager, and you need her to let you have dominion over the money she has given to you. Ask her not to move that money and instead to support you as you discover how to budget and spend responsibly. Ask her to partner with you so that you can learn.
If she ever needs to borrow money from your account, encourage her to talk to you about it first.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a new relationship after being single for a long time. I’m struggling to navigate the line between privacy and invasion of personal space.
Recently, my partner unpacked my suitcase after a trip without my permission. I thanked them, but I was not happy at all. I don’t want anyone going through my things. On another occasion, they took a photo of me while I wasn’t fully clothed without my knowledge. While I’m sure this is nothing unusual for many couples, I felt slightly violated.
Could my discomfort stem from being single for so long and not being used to sharing my personal space, or is my partner being too invasive?
Uncomfortable
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Being in an intimate relationship after a long period of being alone can be wonderful and disconcerting at times. To find happiness, you must become an excellent communicator.
When you were alone, that wasn’t necessary, as you only had yourself with whom to share your opinions, desires and limitations.
Sit down and talk to your partner. Explain that you have noticed some things that on the surface seem sweet, but actually bother you. Give the context that you aren’t sure if your reaction stems from your having been alone for so long or if it is genuinely an invasion of privacy, but you are bringing it up because a few things have made you uncomfortable.
Mention the unpacking of your bag. Suggest that you would have appreciated them asking if it would help you before doing that. As for the partially clothed photo, you can put the kibosh on that. It is not OK to take such pictures without permission, ever. Make that clear.
Further, express your happiness at being in this relationship along with your need for privacy and personal boundaries. Then define those boundaries to the best of your ability. Otherwise, your partner will not know what they are.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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