My boyfriend wants to end my money-saving lifestyle

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of years. We have very similar lifestyles, tastes, and interests. That being said, I’ve always known I was more frugal than him. From a young age, my father instilled in me a very strong sense of frugality. I often buy high-end, second-hand clothes that last me years. I bought a fixer-upper and took years to find the right reclaimed or discount items to finish my house. I use miles and points to travel and we both travel a lot together in luxury. Because of all of this, I think my boyfriend thinks I make more than I do. I realized this when we sat down to figure out our finances to possibly move in together.

At that point, I realized he thought I made much closer to what he makes, which is about three times what I make. I make really good money for our area, but I could tell something was off after the conversation. He made a comment about how he didn’t want to spend all his spare time trying to find deals. I don’t do that either. I set limits for when I will stop looking for a deal and will buy things the way most people do. I love this life and I don’t want to stop. Frankly, after looking at his budget, I don’t think we could afford for me to stop. Do you think this is a big deal, like a relationship deal breaker big deal? What kind of conversation do I need to have with him about our future? We haven’t talked about this since, so I don’t really know what’s going on in his head, I just know something has felt off since the conversation. He looked really disappointed. What do I do?

—Budgeting Blunder

Dear Budgeting, 

I am so impressed by your budgeting skills. You are not making a budgeting blunder. You have your boyfriend out here thinking you make three times the amount that you really do! I commend you (and also love your tip for setting a timer when looking for deals so you don’t endlessly search for the perfect price).

The good news is that you don’t have to stop looking for a deal, but the bad news is that your partner may have some spending issues. You say you’d have no choice but to be frugal after combining your incomes. Let’s say you make $50,000, and he makes $150,000 for a total of $200,000 a year. Even after taxes, you should still have a pretty good chunk to cover expenses for two grown adults. You didn’t share if he had any major debt he was paying off, like student loans, or if you lived in a high-cost-of-living area, so it’s entirely possible that I’m overestimating the income you’d have at your disposal. But if it would be tight with a budget like that (or one similar), then that’s where a spending issue comes in. This doesn’t need to be a deal breaker but it’s definitely something to get more clarity on.

Communication is key when moving in with your partner, so I recommend setting up a standing money date. This will be a time to meet in a comfortable environment to discuss your finances, set financial goals, and check in with each other about spending. Aim to chat about finances at least once a month. My friend Lindsay Bryan-Podvin is the financial therapist behind the website Mind Money Balance and has a helpful podcast episode on money dates you can dig into. She walks you through step-by-step how to set one up, topics to discuss, how to communicate clearly, and ways to end on a positive note so you both feel empowered afterward. Try suggesting this to your boyfriend to open up the conversation again and go from there.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I am expecting my first child at the end of this year. I’m super excited! Since I’m not carrying the baby, I am in charge of the baby shower. Here’s what I’m wrestling with: In order to be tactful, should I make clear that gifts are optional?

The complication is that my wife and I are better off than anyone we would invite to a baby shower. We both have upwardly mobile six-figure jobs and very low monthly expenses. Our friend group consists of social workers, teachers, retail workers, small business owners, etc. Most probably make half our income or less. We don’t flaunt our wealth, but it’s no secret we are in a different income bracket. Would I be a jerk to expect baby gifts from everyone? I’d feel bad accepting that night light I could easily afford from a friend whose rent just went up again.
Or would I be a jerk to NOT expect baby gifts? My wife thinks friends don’t have to be rich to afford…