Every year, I vow that my last-minute Christmas shopping is finished. No more scouring picked-over store shelves for those last few gifts I need to check off my list.
Every year, I tell myself that this time, all my holiday shopping will be done early and from my couch, thanks to billionaire Jeff Bezos, who runs Amazon, the Washington Post and — for all intent and purpose — America.
Why couldn’t I think of creating a company that sends out a fleet of vehicles driven by people whose lack of common sense in operating those ubiquitous blue vans is annoying, but so critical to getting us our stuff quickly and without having to deal with people?
Oh, yeah. I forgot. It’s because he was rich to start with and I gather quarters to pay for lunch from fast-food restaurant dollar menus.
Ha! I’m so old I remember when there were dollar menus. Now they’re $10 menus.
“Would you like fries with that? That will be another five bucks.”
But back to my original point: Christmas is bearing down on me and once again, I’m not even close to being finished with my shopping.
But I did pick up a few things in advance for some people on my list. Let me know how I did:
• The World — Lasting peace and the ability for countries and people to co-exist. Same goes for politically motivated folks here at home. There seems to be no common ground on anything anymore. That has to change.
• President Joe Biden — A time machine, so he can be 40 again and perhaps not have to campaign from his basement. And also so he can go back and kick Hunter’s sorry behind, since he apparently didn’t do it enough back then.
And speaking of the campaign, Joe needs a Shelley Terry-style string of retirement parties and a big rocking chair. He’s too old for another term.
• Hunter Biden — See above.
• Former President Donald Trump — Humility, self-awareness and a long vacation out of the public spotlight. I think the Democrats might even spring for it. They probably have some ideas on where Orange Man Bad can go.
I know there are some people who want to gift Trump four more years, but he isn’t that much younger than Biden. Maybe they can agree to retire together and team up for a “Grumpy Old Men” sequel.
• Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy — Nothing. We’ve already taken really good care of this guy.
• Deshaun Watson — A lifetime membership at the Aloha Spa in Ashtabula Township and a new football team for 2024.
• Joe Flacco — 300 yards and three touchdowns every week for the next month or so. Also some healthy offensive linemen.
• Jimmy Haslam — Some entry-level Pilot/Flying J staffers to back the company bus over (again).
• Nick Chubb — A successful rehab of his knee, a full return to form and good health for the rest of his career. (Hopefully, all of it with the Browns.)
• Ohio GOP legislators — The ability to understand the will of the people they purport to represent, instead of trying to figure out ways around what voters want. Also, district maps that make even a modicum of sense.
• State Rep. Mike Loychik (R-Bazetta) — A cell phone and an email account, so he can actually reply to interview requests during an election cycle.
And better legislative proposals than trying to rename Mosquito Lake after Trump.
• Star Beacon reporter Shelley Terry — A fun-filled retirement and cotinued good health to enjoy those years.
Thanks, Shelley, for everything.
• Myself — I have pretty much everything I need. I guess I could use the ability to successfully negotiate stairs and not break an L3 vertebrae.
One thing I would like to break is 100 on the golf course in 2024. Don’t bet on it, though.
• Our readers — A safe and festive holiday season and a healthy and productive 2024. Thanks for reading and offering your feedback and story ideas.
See you next year.
ED PUSKAS is the Star Beacon editor. Write him at epuskas@starbeacon.com.