✌ There are only 8 shopping days left ’til Christmas in Armenia.
✌ President Biden is superior to the entire Republican field by a factor of 16 quadrillion. Probably higher but my abacus caught fire while I was calculating.
✌ The scariest words in the English language are, “I’m Speaker Mike Johnson and I’m here to help.”
Continued…
✌ No Biden cabinet members have had even a whiff of scandal surrounding them.
✌ There’s a little bit of a little bit of all of us in all of us.
✌ Last night my TV said, “Want justice? Call Judge Judy.” So I called the number on the screen and said I still want Bush and Cheney prosecuted for war crimes.
✌ How could MAGA Republicans in the House be so stupid?!! Hint: they’re MAGA Republicans in the House.
✌ The media fixated on almost every dishonest tweet the previous president posted, even the ones labeling journalists an “enemy of the people,” yet there’s a total media blackout on President Biden’s optimistic and fact-based tweets.
✌ I sold my precious pocket watch so I could afford to buy my partner Michael a set of hair brushes. But unbeknownst to me he sold his precious hair so he could afford to buy me a watch fob. He laughed and said at least we’ve got each other. I stomped off, slammed the door, and declared Christmas ruined for all future generations.
✌ I remain cautiously optimistic that Kamala Harris will soon bring back the time-honored vice-presidential tradition of shooting a lawyer friend in the face while quail hunting.
✌ If you’re not 100% satisfied with Cheers and Jeers, I offer a 100% money-back guarantee. Minus the 110% restocking fee, of course.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 28, 2023
Note: C&J will post tomorrow evening in the diaries before preparing to endure scorn and ridicule for wearing a tan suit without a flag pin on New Year’s Eve, resulting in our spending the entire day Monday in the basement sobbing over humanity’s cruelty. But we’ll return Tuesday morning both bright-eyed and bushy-tail, thanks to my success in finally drinking the right serum that turns me into a human-squirrel hybrid. If you won’t be here tomorrow, we pre-wish you a safe and happy New Year’s weekend.
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Science Fiction Day/Isaac Asimov’s birthday: 5
Increase in retail sales during this holiday season versus last year: 3.1%
Size of President Biden’s pay raise for federal workers, the largest since 1980: 5.2%
Estimated percent of Russia‘s Black Sea Fleet that has been destroyed over the past 4 months: 20%
Time it takes Japan‘s Moon Sniper lunar lander to circle the moon as it prepares to touch down on the surface on January 19th: 6.4 hours
Date of last day of the year: 123123
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Another reason why religion and policy make such a bad mix is that religion brings the dread element of certitude into what needs to be a constant process of questioning. In the New Yorker, Seymour Hersh quotes a former Defense Department official who served in Bush’s first term: “The president is more determined than ever to stay the course. He doesn’t feel any pain. Bush is a believer in the adage, ‘People may suffer and die, but the Church advances.'”
without a shadow of a doubt is both foolish and dangerous. I would be far more reassured if I thought the president were second-guessing every move we make than I am to find out he hasn’t a shadow of a doubt. For one thing, it shuts him off from considering alternatives, and boy do we need some alternatives.
So here we sit, watching a great, stinking skein of corruption being fished to the surface of Washington, while the town is simultaneously filled with a great babble about God, prayer and morality. Corruption trails head off in all directions—lobbyists, wives, jobs, perverting intelligence, outing agents for petty revenge—all this and a prayer breakfast every day.
CHEERS to seeing the planet as half-full. Well, if you put aside for a moment the fact that we missed our chance to save ourselves a loooong time ago, it’s worth noting that a handful of optimistic and resourceful humans earned their paychecks this year. Positive News highlights a few of the good news stories of 2023:
☼The burgeoning medical revolution was a major theme of 2023. “We are seeing a pace of progress that has not been witnessed for 100 years,” Bertalan Meskó, director of the Medical Futurist Institute in…
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