Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency
Ask Amy: Advice for the Real World
Dear Amy: I have a thoughtful, successful 38-year-old stepdaughter. We have a good relationship and enjoy each other’s company. I live abroad, so I only see her and her family once or twice a year.
The issue I am having is with her husband, my son-in-law.
He is completely anti-social and barely acknowledges my presence.
He has never initiated a conversation, and during family events he either absents himself or is present but playing video games on his phone.
I have learned not to take this personally because he treats everyone, including his own family, the same way.
Family members and friends have tried to understand his behavior: Is he “on the spectrum,” is it a cultural issue, (he is from a different country), or is he just rude?
A few friends and family members have discussed this with my stepdaughter, and she says, “It is just the way he is.”
I will be visiting them later this year and am already apprehensive.
While I am visiting, I find his behavior so unpleasant that I find excuses to retire early.
Is there another way for me to understand his behavior and make peace with it?
– Curious
Dear Curious: I don’t think it is necessary for you (or me) to try to diagnose or assign a category to your son-in-law’s behavior in order to make peace with it. “Peace” (or acceptance) is a choice. You say you aren’t taking his behavior personally, but you seem to be doing just that.
It might help if you saw him as perhaps a shy or introverted person who doesn’t initiate or actively participate in conversations, but is possibly listening or witnessing the family dynamic in his own way when he is present.
You say that others have broached this issue with your stepdaughter, but it might be helpful if you spoke with her – or him – in order to make sure he is comfortable with you being a guest in their home. Ask for any suggestions for ways you might connect with him.
“Difficult” people lay down a challenge and test your tolerance, but also present an opportunity for you to grow. And if you can’t grow, you can at least tell yourself that in order to stay connected with your stepdaughter, you will need to detach from his behavior.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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